I don't have any new news to report, but have I ever mentioned that my sister is really talented and hilarious? Anyone who gets the Hippensteel family Christmas card already knows, but for those who don't, here are some fake news posts that she has written recently (please don't report me for using the onion logo):



Local Resident Surprised by Hardwood Floors
CINCINNATI, OH Catherine McCafferty, resident of Dana Avenue, was shocked last Thursday, when she discovered that her bedroom floor was actually hardwood. Though she moved in about two months ago, the room has stayed in a constant state of moving in, with boxes piled in all nooks and crannies, thus hiding the floor. Said roommate, Rachel Smolen, “At first, I was kind of like yeah, you should clean your room. But then the roach infestation began, and I was honestly just afraid of what she might find if she moved anything.” Though McCafferty refused to comment, sources say that she has referred to her floors as “cozy and carpeted,” and residents of the apartment below claim to have heard her vacuuming at various points during the semester. Caity Burke, who occupies the room directly below McCafferty, specified that “it was one of those heavy duty carpet vacuums, not a dinky little hardwood vacuum.” Burke and Smolen both noted that McCafferty has been handling the shock quite well, and has even purchased a Swiffer to adjust to the hardwood life.

MOSHI, TANZANIA In a surprising turn of events, local resident Laura Hippensteel has nothing to do today. A report from Friday indicates that a friend, Christina, became ill, thus requiring the cancellation of what should have been a weekend of festive fun. Said Hippensteel, "I feel bad for Christina, but I was pretty excited about spending time in her boyfriend's village this weekend. Now I just have my chickens for company." Bordering on pathetic, Hippensteel has begun to analyze the different squawks that her chickens make to occupy her time. Christina, in an exclusive interview that was technically off record, stated that "I'm not really sick. I just didn't want to spend a whole weekend with the kind of person who thinks she's a chicken whisperer. I mean, she's nice and all, but..." After receiving the harsh news that her supposed watermelon plants are actually bean sprouts, the news of a weekend free of activity just might crush poor Hippensteel. "I've almost made it through. I just have a few hours left until work on Monday. I've been counting down since Friday," Hippensteel claimed, in what experts believe to be the first documented account of a working individual wishing the weekend away.

CINCINNATI, OH After extensive testing, the world’s most qualified doctors have declared Xavier student Jenna Hippensteel “a mystery to the entire world of medicine.” Dr. Sven Bjorka, an internationally recognized Swedish rheumatologist added that Hippensteel “shows so many signs of different things, that we really can’t say anything for sure. She has at most two serious illnesses, one life-threatening condition, and three or four minor issues. At the least, she’s healthy as a horse. We just don’t know.” After a CT scan, a colonoscopy, an endoscopy, countless blood tests, various biopsies, and a tuberculosis exam, Hippensteel remains in medical limbo. Gastrointestinal specialist Andrew Jones expressed extreme frustration with the situation. “How can one person be border-line on so many things? I mean seriously, can’t the patient just be sick or not? And it’s not just her health. Even as a person, she’s only kind of interesting. Like when I ask her about her daily habits, her answers are always ‘Sort of,’ ‘I guess,’ or ‘Yeah, maybe.’” Jones concluded the interview with other examples of Hippensteel’s mediocrity that cannot be printed due to HIPAA regulations. In a phone interview, Nancy Hippensteel, mother, compared Jenna with her sister, Laura. “Laura is just so wonderful. She’s athletic, she’s a great teacher, she has the initiative to up and move halfway across the world. And Jenna, well, she’s…interesting. I mean it’s not that she’s bad, she’s just not that good, either. Wait. Don’t print that last part. It’s just that for Jenna, she’s isn’t that good at staying healthy, but she’s also apparently not that good at being sick.” Doctors continue to provide tests and procedures for young Hippensteel, but there seems to be no end in sight. Said Bjorka, “I have lost track of the number of cures I have discovered for various illnesses, as well as the numbers of Nobel Prizes I have been awarded for my outstanding contributions for the field of medicine. But I just cannot figure out this case.” Despite extensive medical attention, Hippensteel, who declined comment, continues to lead a life as run-of-the-mill as before her health troubles, which may be nothing at all.